Our article on dying cats is the most read article on Cat-World. The purpose of that article is to help people recognise the signs that a cat is in the final stages of life. The volume and content of the comments alone shows just what a difficult and painful experience it is for cat lovers many of whom who fight hard to save their beloved companion, or lose them suddenly and unexpectedly. The difficulty and pain of having to decide when to say goodbye and dealing with the grief, guilt and loss afterward.
Any pet lover knows how painful it is to lose a pet. The final months, weeks or days can be traumatic and take their toll. Many people will experience the cognitive dissonance of knowing the end is near vs clinging to the hope that something, anything can be done buy more precious time. Compounding the pain of losing a pet is the feeling of isolation because not everyone understands how important our pets are and the huge hole left after they have gone.
Our cats area part of the family, they provide comfort, companionship and joy. They are somebody to talk to without the fear of judgement who are always there for us, and always love us. For those who are isolated or lonely, they provide a purpose, something to care for, a reason to get out of bed, that connection with another sentient being.
For me, cats represent periods in my life as well as the reasons above. I adopted Eliot after the breakup of a relationship, I needed a companion and she was by my side for nine years, she passed away 8 weeks to the day after my first child was born. Levi came into our lives when the children were little, he passed away when they were teenagers, all they’d ever known was a life with Levi in it.
Stages of loss:
A wide range of emotions will be experienced after the loss of a pet, which is completely normal. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, a Swedish-American psychiatrist describes five stages of loss:
For me, denial starts before a terminal diagnosis, deep down I know something is wrong, but deny that it is potentially life-ending it can continue after they have passed.
After they have passed, denial that they are no longer there. Waking on a morning and hoping it was all a bad dream. Looking or calling for them.This state can help shield a person from the reality that they really are gone. You can swing from sheer panic, absolute devastation to denying the reality.
I have not personally experienced this, but anger can manifest in many ways. Not coping under stress at work, anger at yourself for not doing more, anger at the veterinarian, a short temper with loved ones. These are all normal feelings as you process the loss.
Anger is pain, it is not always logical, they fought so hard, we fought so hard for them, the sheer unfairness of losing them, the feeling of complete and utter powerlessness. Life is not fair.
This is similar to guilt which I describe further down. If only I had noticed earlier, or sought a second opinion maybe there would have been a better outcome.
The inconsolable a raw feeling of loss. Tears which do not dry up, a feeling of lethargy, emptiness, finding no joy in things you normally find pleasure in. A sense of having nothing to look forward to.
You finally move past the shock and the grief and accept that the pet has gone. The trauma of the final months, weeks, days, or the sudden passing are gradually replaced with acceptance and you are able to think of the good life your pet had instead of the pain at the end. You will still feel sad at times, but it is no longer all consuming.
Not everybody will experience all of the above, and there is no timeline on how long each stage will last. For some, it can be quick, others will take longer. I find denial starts before a terminal diagnosis, deep down I know something is wrong, but deny that it is potentially life-ending.
My own emotions:
- What just happened?
- Why did it happen?
- Why did I not notice sooner?
- I can’t believe he is gone.
- It was so sudden.
- I thought we had many more years together.
- We fought so hard.
These feelings are especially common if the death was sudden and unexpected. Grasping to comprehend what happened, one minute we were happy with our cat, the next they’re gone. We feel blindsided, one day everything is normal, and suddenly they’re gone. Our head is spinning.
If you read the comments at the end of our article on dying cats you will see that guilt is common, did you wait too long, did you give up too soon? There is no perfect time to euthanise a pet, they can’t tell us when they’ve had enough, we have to go by symptoms, behaviour and our veterinarian’s recommendation. Know that you did your best for the cat.
Guilt can also occur if the caregiver feels they have contributed to their cat’s death. Maybe not seeking veterinary attention quickly enough, accidentally or intentionally letting the cat outside which resulted in an accident. We all make mistakes, and sometimes they do have serious consequences, but re-living the situation only compounds the pain and it won’t change the outcome. You have to learn to let it go and forgive yourself in order to move on.
Not relief that the cat has passed away, but relief that the suffering has ended. Some cats can live with a terminal illness for months. It hard to watch a pet you love so dearly face a terminal disease. It is a difficult fight, with lots of ups and downs.
Missing the companionship and the special bond you had with your cat. Coming home to an empty house, not being woken up at 6am for breakfast or having them wind around your legs as you make your morning coffee. Missing conversations you would share with your cat.
The loneliness can be compounded by a feeling of isolation when friends or family don’t understand the deep grief you are experiencing. It is not uncommon for people to avoid a person who is bereaved because they don’t know what to say or can’t relate.
Upon reflection, the grief I have felt for each cat I have lost has been different depending on my relationship with that particular cat as well as how and when they died. Despite the fact Eliot was one of my closest cats, and 15 years on, I still tear up if I think of her, her passing came as a relief. It was hard to watch the cancer eat away at her. I also had a newborn baby, so I could see the circle of life, one life had just started and another life was ending. I was so happy that Eliot was able to meet my daughter.
Suni died suddenly, before his time. It was painful and raw and took me a long time to get over the guilt of losing him.
Levi was very hard because it hit the whole family and was also sudden. We all grieved together and I still remember the four of us huddled around his grave sobbing.
For others it was sad, but expected. Mitzy and Misha were both 16 when they passed. I missed them, especially Mitzy but also realised that they had become old and unwell.
Physical symptoms of grief:
Grief is not just an emotion, it is a form of stress which can affect us physically too.
- Loss of appetite
How long does the grief last?
There is no timeline on grief, it lasts as long as it lasts. My own personal experience has been that immediately after the loss of a cat the grief is all consuming, and the loss and sorrow are with me at all times. But slowly, life returns to normal. Every time I think of those pets I feel a pang of sadness, but it is not with me all the time like it is in the early days.
Grief is unique and we all take a different amount of time. Don’t rush yourself, don’t place additional weight on your shoulders by feeling guilty for grieving, but if you really are struggling to cope after an extended period of time, please consider finding a trained pet-grief counsellor who can help you process your feelings.
What can you do to feel better?
Please remember that it takes time, don’t rush yourself and don’t push feelings down. There is no time limit on grief. Find people to talk to, either pet lovers or a grief councellor.
I have found solace on Internet forums or more recently, cat Facebook groups. Cat-World has a Facebook group and you are always welcome to join, or post a comment at the end of this article.
Surround yourself with people who love you and understand how you are feeling. Compassionate friends or family members and especially pet lovers who understand and empathise. It can help to have an understanding ear.
Schedule exercise. While supporting a friend in an extremely difficult situation, I found walking or running with her gave her an outlet in which to just talk, there was no direct eye contact, no pressure, we just walked, jogged and talked, which seemed less invasive than face to face contact over a coffee. Sometimes we would say nothing at all, but she knew she wasn’t alone, there was somebody by her side.
What not to say to somebody who has lost a pet:
Somebody who has lost a pet is grieving but people are often dismissed. Not everybody understands the depth of a bond people have with their pets. A cat isn’t a toaster, you can’t just go out and replace it with a new one. Every cat has his or her own personality and a unique bond with their human companions.
- Why are you so upset, it is just a cat?
- You will get over it.
- You can get another cat.
- He is in a better place now.
- I never liked cats anyway.
- It was probably for the best.
- You still have other cats.
- These things happen for a reason.
- I know how you feel, I lost my favourite purse, bracelet, jacket last week.
One member of our Facebook group said it the best.
They are someone’s fur baby. Someone’s companion. Another fur child’s sibling. A human child’s world when that’s all they have ever known. They are a family member and the keepers of secrets. They are healers and our most treasured friends. They are never ‘just a cat’.
What to say or do to somebody who has lost a pet:
Not everybody can understand the deep grief of losing a pet, but that should not exclude them from showing empathy. Now is not the time to give your opinion on cats, just be supportive, it’s not hard!
What to say:
- I am so sorry for your loss.
- My thoughts are with you at this time of loss.
- I am so sorry for your loss, Fluffy was a beautiful cat.
- I’m here if you need to talk.
- That is so sad to hear, I know how much you and Fluffy loved each other.
What to do:
- Send them a sympathy card, my veterinarian always sends a hand-written sympathy card when we lose a pet and I always appreciate it.
- Send some flowers, if they have other cats, make sure you send flowers safe for cats.
- Make a donation to an animal charity in the cat’s name.
- Be a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen. Let them talk about their loss, and their pet.
- One cat lover was sent a packet of wildflower seeds to scatter over her cat’s memorial site. You can also buy a plant to place at the memorial/grave of the cat.
When is the right time to get another pet?
There are no rules, some people get a pet right away, others can’t face the thought of a new pet. Our most recent loss of Levi in March 2018 was sudden and it was traumatic. I said to my teenage children I didn’t want to get a cat immediately after we had lost such a huge part of our family, the right cat would happen at the right time.
Two weeks after we lost Levi, two Tonkinese cats were put up for adoption at the RSPCA. The next day we drove 2 hours to meet them and adopted them on the spot. That was the first day any of us had felt happy since the loss of Levi. We laughed and joked the whole way home. They are completely different in personality to Levi which I am glad about, I didn’t want a Levi clone.
You will find a cat when you are ready to find a cat, which may be in one day or in 20 years.
Where to get help:
For many, counselling or a grief loss group can help a pet lover to deal with the loss of a pet. You are not alone. In Australia, the following resources can be of help.
- Beyond Blue
- Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
- Pets at Peace
- Pets and People
- Lifeline – 13 11 14
- Mensline – 1300 78 99 78
- Grief Line (12pm-3am) – 03 9935 7400
- Kids Helpline -1800 55 1800
- Suicide Helpline – 1300 651 251
My final thoughts:
Before I took the plunge and adopted Eliot in 1994, I thought long and hard about it. I had lost two cats in my early teens and it was very very painful. I knew bringing a pet into my life would eventually cause me pain, was I prepared to accept that in 10-15 years I would have to face their death? I decided it was worth it. Adopting Eliot was the best decision I could have made. I was quite lonely at the time, I had no family in Australia and she became my source of comfort, companionship and love for many years. It was lovely to come home and be welcomed by a loving companion, she turned my sad apartment into a warm home. Eliot passed away exactly 8 weeks after my first child was born. It hurts so much when they leave us, but my life would not be the same having not lived with them. I have no regrets whatsoever.
Losing Levi was particularly hard, he never played favourites with his humans, he loved us all equally, so all four of us really felt his death.
I remind myself that we had eleven wonderful years with Levi, he had a good and happy life, he was loved not only by us, but almost everybody who met him fell for his charms. His death should not overshadow his life, nor for those final few days to define who he was. I choose to remember all the happy times we had.
- How he loved soft blankets to knead on.
- Having to remind friends to hang up their handbag or Levi would go through it.
- How good he was with the children who would carry him around as a baby
- The day friends returned to our home shortly having left because they’d got half way up the road and found Levi had snuck into their van as they were putting their children in their car seats.
- How we would open a cupboard door only to find Levi sitting there staring back at us.
Those are the memories I want to keep, not the sadness of his final days.
The subsequent adoption of our Tonkinese boys, Calvin and Norman did not replace Levi, no cat could ever do that, but their arrival did bring joy back into our house.
In memory of Eliot, Podge, Suni, Misha, Nicholas, Mitzy, Annie, Loki, Levi and all the other pets who have left us.
2018 world pet memorial is 12th June.
The Last Battle
If it should be that I grow frail and weak,
You will be sad, I understand,
We’ve had so many happy years,
Take me where my needs they’ll tend
I know in time, you will see,
Don’t grieve that it should be you,
Smile, for we walked together for a little while.